Entry 85 - An Anecdote

An Anecdote

Q: You're about to have a huge wedding when you get cold feet. What's your strategy for evading all obligations?

A: This is one of those lose-lose situations. I mean, come on -- you have to commiserate with that poor woman -- she was about to marry frankenstein.

This whole thing reminds me of a conversation I had with a good friend -- one I will never forget, even though it was fueled by, ahem. . . "scheduled" substances. Bear with me, there is method to my madness.

We were in college at the time, and the apartment, occupied by three smokers, was on the third floor. This particular winter had been snowy one, and, not being completely unrefined, smoking cigarettes was disallowed inside the house.

The ground was covered with snow for practically all three months of winter, and as I had previously mentioned, we were not completely refined in our habits either; needless to say, when the snow finally melted, the little patch of grass below the balcony was nearly carpeted with cigarette butts.

After this alarming reality settled in, my friend (currently a practicing lawyer) said in a clear, purposeful tone (as is his wont): "I have a plan."

"What we do", he continued, "is simple. First, we mount a harassment campaign on the neighbors living below on the first floor. Every night for two weeks, we stealthily egg their door. Then, as if we were 'actually' madmen, we kidnap their deck furniture, leaving photos and notes threatening to irreparably stain the cushions if they consult the authorities. After a month of this, they will have had enough, and will most certainly choose to move out." he said. "That is when we make our move."

Intrigued, I begged him to continue.

"Then, in the few days between the time they move out and the arrival of the landlord to complete the final inspection, we carefully stage the crime scene. Haphazard placement of upturned ashtrays on their patio is key, perhaps coupled with dozens of empty, weathered cigarette boxes. The perfect crime."

Ya know, to be honest, it seemed like a good idea -- At the time.

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